Backpacking Through Divorce

My ex and I have been dividing up our personal belongings in preparation for our divorce. The photos have been very difficult for me. I'm hoping that she will look at them some day and realize what a great thing we had for our 13 year marriage. Any suggestions on how to get through this photo process with minimal pain?

Whoa there! Put those pictures down, immediately. That's radioactive material. I was in EXACTLY the same spot you were when going through my divorce - only we were married for just under six years. I had a hard enough time going through books and CDs, but the photos put me over the edge. Put them away, and deal with them down the road. It was about a year before I could look at photos of us without going through a meltdown.

If she wants to have the pictures divided up so badly before you part ways, then let her do it. Rehashing all the happy memories that you once had, will only lead to some serious gloom. Yes, you're going to miss the vacations, the random memories that those snapshots will rekindle. Yes, you will feel incomplete, if you haven't moved out of the house yet (or if she's the one moving) then your divorce is very fresh. Don't make it harder on yourself.

When I moved out of the house, I spent a few hours each day packing up my belongings. I could only do that in small doses. Not the photos, though. You're going through some tough times right now, the emotional rollercoaster with no end in sight. Don't make matters worse by reliving the past - not at this time, but maybe down the road.

My ex still has our wedding album, obviously I'm not interested in the pictures of us, but of me with other people at the wedding. We talked about dividing them up at a later date. It's been over three years, and all the great pictures and memories are still in my head. I don't care if I ever see that album again, and I recently discarded the wedding video tape I found in an old box. I didn't have to think twice about it.

My wife had an emotional affair with a co-worker 7 years ago, and had another one last year with another person at work. He is 20 years younger than her and she even gave him money on two different occasions. He rebutted her when she declared over a lunch, that she was having strong feelings for him. We barely talk, just argue, but she told me she would do anything to save our marriage. Now I'm wondering if she really meant it. I feel I have to always be on guard for this next "affair", and I don't trust her. Since we are both prominent in the community, I'm afraid of how this may affect us. Any suggestions?


This recent affair isn't her first one. While there isn't any physical activity going on, the emotional distance between you two can be just a damaging. It's easy for her to plead that she is willing to do anything to save the marriage, she has nothing to lose. The decision to move forward together, is up to you. Is she really sincere, do you want to try and work it through? Is she going back to you because the other man doesn't want her?

You have a right to be angry and not trusting of her words. In life, people can say anything they want, but it is the actions that define who we are. Your wife's actions of giving him money is incredibly disrespectful. That's tantamount to taking food off the table and clothes off your back. Even if this was intended to be a loan, nobody has a right to do that with an outside party without discussing it with their partner.

You also need to decide how distant you are from her. After all this time, perhaps you feel that you are ready to live your own life. The matter of your happiness and emotional sanity take priority over any possible scandal that may rock the town.

From what you say, it doesn't seem that she has any respect for you, or resolution to truly make your marriage work. You need to be clear on what it is that you want. If you want to move on and put this person out of your life, then contact a divorce attorney. If you want to make it work, you need to be clear on what it will take on her part and your part. I would suggest that these terms be communicated in a therapy session, and that ongoing therapy be a non-negotiable part of continuing the marriage.

In either case, you shouldn't tolerate any actions that involve your spouse putting a third party before you. Even if there hasn't been physical contact yet, it's just a matter of time before they cross that line. Take a stand.

My husband has recently gotten out of therapy – during that time we were supposed to get a divorce. I know that I wasn’t the best wife, he let me know that on many occasions. Now that he’s out, he says he’s fully recovered and wants to work on our marriage – even though we’ve been in separate bedrooms for over a year. While he was away, I had a relationship with another man. I think we should stay together because of our two kids, but I can’t get this other man out of my mind, even though we broke off our relationship months ago. What should I do?


You two need to get a divorce and get away from each other as quickly as possible. You had a problem with his substance abuse, and he had undetermined problems with you. While he was in recovery, you had sex with another man. Now, you are trying to reconcile with your husband, but you are thinking about this other man.

So, leave your husband, get a divorce, and be with this other man - or be on your own. You say that you were supposed to get a divorce - well do it. But do not use the excuse of staying together for the sake of the children. You haven’t been living as a married couple for over a year, and your actions aren't bringing you closer together, but are widening the divide.

If your husband is on the road to recovery, then let him heal and get on with his life. It's not fair for him to have a wife who isn't there for his needs, but only to create the facade of a happy home. If you think your children will play along, and be blissfully unaware of your problematic marriage, you are mistaken. They will quickly realize that although both parents share the same roof, all is not well.

If you are truly committed to making the marriage work - and by that I mean a loving and supportive one that nurtures the relationship between you two - then you need to emotionally break yourself off from this other man. There needs to be completely honest communication between the two of you, and you both need therapy. Anything short of that will only create despair between all the parties involved.

My husband had an affair in the past, but we’ve worked past it. Right now, I don’t feel that he is showing me enough love. He’s good at fixing thing around the house, stuff I despise doing, but our sex life isn’t what I’d like it to be. He’s tries to do things to make me happy and put me in the mood, but that doesn’t seem to work, I guess I’m in a rut. What can I do to bring us closer together am I at the end of my marriage? I feel like we’re back at square one.

I don't think there's any excuse for him having sex behind your back. If he feels that your relationship is lacking intimacy or love, then the marriage needs to be dissolved before he goes out with other women.

However, I'm not clear what your definition of love is. I wonder if you know what it could be. Why can't fixing things around the house be an expression of love? Whenever I cooked, or my ex-wife cooked for me, I took that as a loving action. Yes, I had to eat regardless of who made it, but I look at the time spent and the care that was put into it - and I took that as love.

Can't washing clothes, keeping the car full of gas, taking out the garbage also be acts of love? Or is love only bringing home flowers, or surprising the other person with material gifts? He does work around the house, stuff that you "despise doing". Do you honestly think that he loves snaking out a clogged drain, would he prefer that to sitting in the sun, reading a book and sipping a refreshing drink? Just because he's good at it, doesn't mean he enjoys it.

What constitutes a loving act to you? You've brought up intimacy - then dismissed it, and even admit that his other actions around the house don’t cut it either. Obviously, you are still hurt by his cheating (rightfully so) and are unclear what it would take to make you feel close.

Suppose you start over fresh with a new man, what is it that this new person could do for you that would make you feel loved? Please, don't begin by saying candle light dinners, romantic walks at night, or cuddling on the couch while watching a movie. These are things that could be done RIGHT NOW with your current husband. If you think that's what love is, then you are confused with the giddy fascination with NEW love - the infatuation that sweeps over us when we first meet the "right person". It's a childish fantasy to confuse this love with the enduring one that marriages require to thrive.

You need to define what a sustainable love is for you - one that will nourish both of you. You ask where your current situation leaves you, and are concerned that you ended up "back at square one”. That's not entirely correct, back where you started would mean those days of courting, the heart palpitations at the mention of his name, the lump in your throat when you talk to him on the phone as you wonder if he likes you as much as you like him. No, what you define as a "beginning" means that you are at the starting point where all your troubles began. If we all could go back to where we began, how easy it would be, for we'd be getting a second chance at our marriages.

Are you at the end? That's not the question to ask. Do I want to BE at the end? Ahh, that's the tough one, that's the choice you need to make. It's a very simple question, yet the probably the hardest one for anyone to answer - unfortunately, nobody on this planet has the solution. That's one you need to make on your own.

My husband has been spending his lunches with another woman. I don’t suspect him of cheating, but I feel uncomfortable with him talking with her so much. So, I met with her, and she said she has enough going on in her life with an ex-husband and two sons – she doesn’t want to cause any trouble for anyone else. We talked about meeting again, which I’d like to do, just so I can keep and eye on her. What do you think?

You've talked to this woman and she is now aware that you are not comfortable with her and your husband hanging out or talking. She even admits that she has enough drama in her life.
You shouldn't meet with her again for two reasons.

First, it's not OK, for your husband to meet with her, but now you feel that you two can be "friends". Why is that? Sounds like a power play - you get to tell him what he can and can't do. This sends a very confusing message to your husband. He can't talk to her, but you can meet for coffee.

What exactly do you intend to talk about? If the conversation steers for one, single sentence about your family - then your rationale goes out the window - after all he can't share personal things with her, but you can dish all you want. If you're not going to open up to her and talk about all the things that "friends" talk about, then why bother, being "friends" with her? Tylenol, please!

Now, the above assumes that you have honorable reasons for wanting to meet with her again. However, you indicated that you want to keep and eye on her, which brings us to the second reason you need to stay away.

It begins with "D" and rhymes with "Rama"

This other woman has enough of it in her life. All of us who have gone through a divorce have had more drama than "Gone with the Wind" and "General Hospital", on our best days. Why do you want to introduce more drama into your own life, and that of your family?

I fail to see any positive aspects that can come out of you two meeting again. You've made your point to her, and from what you said, she understands and respects your position. Don’t go looking to make her life any more difficult because she really didn't do anything wrong, and it'll simply back fire on you. Let it go, and focus the energies that you would by cultivating this "friendship", on your own marriage.

Lately, I’ve been up at 2 am, thinking about all the bad stuff that happened to me towards the end of my marriage. It usually starts off with happy thoughts, then goes bad. I’m not sure what to do, how can I clear my mind so I can get some sleep?

What you need to do is stop thinking about your ex. The good memories give way to some of the bad events that happened to you during or after your marriage. So, put them away for now until a later time.

How do you do that? For me, I found that when my mind started running away, the negative thoughts fed on each other. What started as a memory of minor fight, quickly turned to some of the more hurtful things that destroyed our relationship. Memory is something like an old vinyl, LP record. Recorded on it are the collective memories of our life.

When the needle gets to the bad part, it's hard to get out of that segment. Scratch the record. Think about something else at random. Pottery class, who you voted for as class president in high school, try to name every album your favorite rock group ever made - even it was Abba.
The concept here it that you are shaking your brain (metaphorically), and are trying to get it to think about something else. When your brain starts down that endless slide of despair, you're getting mentally hysterical. So, slap yourself around (again, metaphorically) and snap out of it.

It's kind of like a bad dream - you yell, scream, try to get your leg to kick so you wake up. Only when you are wide awake at 2am, you are in complete control, even if it doesn’t feel like it. I've even had to get out of bed to do some pushups, something to burn off the nervous energy. Take control of your thoughts, put on the brakes to your negative memories, and district your brain with random, unconnected and often times silly thoughts. It's the adult equivalent of dangling keys in front of new born. Since most of us resort to our same, childish emotions when we go through a crisis (temper tantrums, stubbornness, fussiness) then use the same childish techniques to get you out of it.

Hanging a Mickey Mouse Mobile off your rear view mirror isn't recommended, just from a safety point of view.

My wife of 14 years has left me, and I don’t know what to do. She’s been having an affair recently with a co-worker. My seven year old son has been left in my care, but things are very difficult right now. We tried couple therapy, to no avail. I’d like to have her back but she doesn’t love me. Does this state of affairs get any better, I’m tired of all the arguments and the fights.

Things may seem hopeless now, but all is not lost.

Here's what you need to do - you've illustrated all the key events that have led to your relationship's demise. Starting right now, you need to let all that go. The tendency is to try and make sense of everything. Don't waste your time.

Why did she cheat, when did everything start to go wrong, will I ever get through this -- all of these questions based on your highly agitated emotional state, don't have answers. At least not answers that will give you any sense of peace.

Move forward - get the divorce process in motion. Figure out who will keep the house, or who will stay - or maybe it'll get sold and the proceeds will be divided. You've tried therapy - it didn't work. She's moved out of the house - now she has a lease, and a legal obligation.

While it is incredibly hard to accept the fact that the marriage is over - that doesn't mean you need to dwell on it. Concentrate and taking back control of your life and direct your energies on creating a stable environment for your son. Don't throw temper tantrums, don't break anything of hers. If necessary, have someone at the house if you two need to meet so that they can soothe any flare ups and be a witness to anything abusive or violent that she may do.

Don't feel that there isn't anything you can do in your life. True, you can't make her love her - nor force her to come back to you. But you can control your own happiness and you have the ability to chart a course that will allow you to end the marriage as amicably as possible. Make a list of everything in your life that you actually control. For example - you can control what you eat, when you sleep, what you watch on TV.

It sounds silly, but take stock in the basics. I made a similar list when my wife wanted a divorce. I listed that I was able to walk wherever I wanted, I earned my own money, I had a decent savings, I still has a sense of adventure. These basic realizations are what empowered me to go on an epic journey across Europe. I discovered strengths inside me that I never imagined I had.

Start small, work on what absolutely needs to happen right now, and work outwards from there. Anything negative or out of your control should be pushed out of your consciousness. There’s plenty to deal with, instead of worrying about what can’t and won’t come about.

My wife is spending money faster than I can make it. We're somewhat in debt, but she's not working. We have two kids, and I don't know if I would see them again if I got divorced. Am I making too big a deal out of the money issue?


In many cases of divorce that I know about, often times they are about finances. And yet, most people are shocked that a relationship ended over money. Money can be enough of an issue to get a divorce over.

During my marriage, my wife was starting a new career, I helped put her through school and picked up all the major bills while she spent money on furnishings and clothes and vacations. Because I work freelance, I make my money in lump sums, which she felt she could spend immediately. I had to explain that there were taxes to be paid, insurance, food, rent, etc. Fortunately, we came to an understanding about money rather early, so it wasn't a big issue. She divorced me because she simply didn't like me.

My point is this, far too many Americans are in debt. I saw on Oprah (yes, I recorded it because it looked like a good series) several couples were profiled who were over $100,000 in debt. One family had FIVE cars - both of their children were 8 and 10, so there were only two drivers in the family! She forged her husbands name on a loan application to get their 5th vehicle.

The problems with finances can be just as devastating - maybe even more so - than other negative aspects of relationships. Forging husband's names on loan applications, withdrawing money from a savings account without telling your spouse, using credit cards when you've both agreed to do so only in emergencies (sorry, but buying clothes on sale or power tools at Home Depot aren't exactly life and death situations) can be as damaging as cheating. Why, because finances are about trust and stability.

If you feel that she is being irresponsible with the money flow, then yes, you have an absolute obligation to part ways. Living above your means sends a horrible message to your children about materialism as the all important goal. You can't have champagne taste on a Coca Cola budget.
But more seriously, what kind of cushion do you have for your children? College, clothing, money in case someone gets sick. I shouldn't even have to give examples, what ever happened to saving money just for the sake of saving it? If she isn't aware that financially you are on a foundation of sand, then she isn't really concerned about the family units well being.

In general, the people that live above their means, are compensating for something. Now, I'm not interested in analyzing the past to understand the how's and why's - it doesn't really matter. What is more important is how that need to compensate, is manifesting itself now, and will it get even worse in the future.

If your wife is spending money without any regard for your debt, and she doesn't seem to be slowing down - well, there's not much you can do about it. Don't worry too much about custody of your children. You may not get sole custody of them, but if you are still gainfully employed and aren't a felon, I'm sure you'd get joint custody. However, make sure you take care of yourself. If you don't, then what condition will you be in to take care of your kids?

My husband is in the service overseas, and I am at home with our 3-year old child. He's been on internet websites, talking and exchanging photos with other women. I feel I should leave him, I don't know if he's addicted and has a problem, but I don't want to stress him out while he's over there. How many chances should I give him, what should I do?

While your situation may seem without a solution, one is there if you are able to step back and look rationally at the situation.

He is spending time on the internet talking with other women. That is not only a waste of his time, but a waste of yours. The paysites are wasting money that could go towards something more beneficial. That $20 a month ($240 a year) could go into a savings account, and may come in handy down the road.

If he's overseas, that you obviously aren't seeing each other every day. When he is not performing at his job, he should be spending time connecting with you. Write emails - keep an online blog of what he is going through - take photos and put together a scrap book to share with you, and your child when they get older.

Instead of sending emails and exchanging photos with some stranger (or worse, someone he knows) he needs to utilize his time communicating with you.

Second, any emails or photos with sexual undertones is out of bounds. There is no "it's just a game - or - I'm just playing" excuse. He is acting in a manner which is disrespectful to you and the marriage bond. If he feels that his life is incomplete without these internet partners, then he needs to ask you for a divorce so that both you and he can get on with your lives.

Whether or not his actions will stop is completely immaterial. What he is doing right now, is unacceptable, and you don't have to put up with it. Don't worry about what he'll do tomorrow, if he's not doing right by you, today.

Third, under no circumstances should you try to figure out if he's addicted, lonely or horny - unless he meets these two conditions.
1. He agrees to stop doing it, immediately.
2. He agrees to seek some type of therapy to work through this problem.

If he doesn't agree to it - then don't waste your time trying to understand the "how" and "why" of his actions. Understanding will not help you get through it at this time. Instead, you need to focus your energies on getting a divorce, and creating a safe home for you and your child.

While you may feel that any action you take will stress him out - make it clear that you are willing to support him and love him, but you are unable to do that when he would rather take HIS affections elsewhere. It's takes two people to make a connection.

Finally, stop giving him chances, and give yourself a chance to feel at peace in your marriage - and if that doesn't work - allow yourself to create a peaceful life on your own.

I've been dating a woman for almost a year, who has a 4 year old from a previous marriage. The biological father doesn't know about me, do I have a right to demand that he knows of my existence and relationship with his ex-wife? I don't like having these secrets around.

You have a right to ask for anything you want in life. In this case - you want the biological father to know that you exist. You've been dating for almost a year, so the relationship appears to be moving forward.

You don't have a right to expect anything. If your girlfriend doesn't feel comfortable crossing this bridge, then she doesn't have to.

The questions to you are: How important is that this other man knows about you, what will you do if your girlfriend doesn't comply? If you feel this is so important to you that he absolutely needs to know about you and she doesn't respect your wishes, then that's the end of the relationship. Is there room for flexibility in your wants?

After my divorce, I made a list with three columns. Qualities the next person I dated would absolutely have to have - qualities that didn't matter - qualities that I could be negotiated. We are all free to set the parameters that will make us happy - we just need to be prepared for the consequences. If the qualities we seek are too rigid or numberous, then we may just end up alone.

Ask for whatever you want - just be prepared for the worst case scenario. I'm concerned about the child - is she/he in a situation where they have to lie to their father? It's not right to put children in a situation where they have to keep a secret from mom or dad.