Wednesday, April 05, 2006
My wife is spending money faster than I can make it. We're somewhat in debt, but she's not working. We have two kids, and I don't know if I would see them again if I got divorced. Am I making too big a deal out of the money issue?
In many cases of divorce that I know about, often times they are about finances. And yet, most people are shocked that a relationship ended over money. Money can be enough of an issue to get a divorce over.
During my marriage, my wife was starting a new career, I helped put her through school and picked up all the major bills while she spent money on furnishings and clothes and vacations. Because I work freelance, I make my money in lump sums, which she felt she could spend immediately. I had to explain that there were taxes to be paid, insurance, food, rent, etc. Fortunately, we came to an understanding about money rather early, so it wasn't a big issue. She divorced me because she simply didn't like me.
My point is this, far too many Americans are in debt. I saw on Oprah (yes, I recorded it because it looked like a good series) several couples were profiled who were over $100,000 in debt. One family had FIVE cars - both of their children were 8 and 10, so there were only two drivers in the family! She forged her husbands name on a loan application to get their 5th vehicle.
The problems with finances can be just as devastating - maybe even more so - than other negative aspects of relationships. Forging husband's names on loan applications, withdrawing money from a savings account without telling your spouse, using credit cards when you've both agreed to do so only in emergencies (sorry, but buying clothes on sale or power tools at Home Depot aren't exactly life and death situations) can be as damaging as cheating. Why, because finances are about trust and stability.
If you feel that she is being irresponsible with the money flow, then yes, you have an absolute obligation to part ways. Living above your means sends a horrible message to your children about materialism as the all important goal. You can't have champagne taste on a Coca Cola budget.
But more seriously, what kind of cushion do you have for your children? College, clothing, money in case someone gets sick. I shouldn't even have to give examples, what ever happened to saving money just for the sake of saving it? If she isn't aware that financially you are on a foundation of sand, then she isn't really concerned about the family units well being.
In general, the people that live above their means, are compensating for something. Now, I'm not interested in analyzing the past to understand the how's and why's - it doesn't really matter. What is more important is how that need to compensate, is manifesting itself now, and will it get even worse in the future.
If your wife is spending money without any regard for your debt, and she doesn't seem to be slowing down - well, there's not much you can do about it. Don't worry too much about custody of your children. You may not get sole custody of them, but if you are still gainfully employed and aren't a felon, I'm sure you'd get joint custody. However, make sure you take care of yourself. If you don't, then what condition will you be in to take care of your kids?
In many cases of divorce that I know about, often times they are about finances. And yet, most people are shocked that a relationship ended over money. Money can be enough of an issue to get a divorce over.
During my marriage, my wife was starting a new career, I helped put her through school and picked up all the major bills while she spent money on furnishings and clothes and vacations. Because I work freelance, I make my money in lump sums, which she felt she could spend immediately. I had to explain that there were taxes to be paid, insurance, food, rent, etc. Fortunately, we came to an understanding about money rather early, so it wasn't a big issue. She divorced me because she simply didn't like me.
My point is this, far too many Americans are in debt. I saw on Oprah (yes, I recorded it because it looked like a good series) several couples were profiled who were over $100,000 in debt. One family had FIVE cars - both of their children were 8 and 10, so there were only two drivers in the family! She forged her husbands name on a loan application to get their 5th vehicle.
The problems with finances can be just as devastating - maybe even more so - than other negative aspects of relationships. Forging husband's names on loan applications, withdrawing money from a savings account without telling your spouse, using credit cards when you've both agreed to do so only in emergencies (sorry, but buying clothes on sale or power tools at Home Depot aren't exactly life and death situations) can be as damaging as cheating. Why, because finances are about trust and stability.
If you feel that she is being irresponsible with the money flow, then yes, you have an absolute obligation to part ways. Living above your means sends a horrible message to your children about materialism as the all important goal. You can't have champagne taste on a Coca Cola budget.
But more seriously, what kind of cushion do you have for your children? College, clothing, money in case someone gets sick. I shouldn't even have to give examples, what ever happened to saving money just for the sake of saving it? If she isn't aware that financially you are on a foundation of sand, then she isn't really concerned about the family units well being.
In general, the people that live above their means, are compensating for something. Now, I'm not interested in analyzing the past to understand the how's and why's - it doesn't really matter. What is more important is how that need to compensate, is manifesting itself now, and will it get even worse in the future.
If your wife is spending money without any regard for your debt, and she doesn't seem to be slowing down - well, there's not much you can do about it. Don't worry too much about custody of your children. You may not get sole custody of them, but if you are still gainfully employed and aren't a felon, I'm sure you'd get joint custody. However, make sure you take care of yourself. If you don't, then what condition will you be in to take care of your kids?
