Backpacking Through Divorce

My husband is a cheating , lying, drug addict and I can't stand him, but how do I live without him? We have been together 15 years with 3 sons. I finally put him out after the last affair. How do I begin to move on without him being around?

I'm sorry for your situation. I'm can only imagine how difficult it is for you - with the children's safety and sanity at stake, it must be overwhelming.

But, let's break down your predicament. You have a husband who commits all three of the cardinal rules of marriage. Things like this don't happen overnight, there must be a rather long history of this happening, perhaps even before you were married. Throughout your life, you've grown used to this treatment - thinking that he will change, outgrow it and that you two will eventually be happy and connected.

This hasn't happened, and now you are faced with the prospect of being alone which scares you.
However, don't create a " damned if you do, damned if you don't " situation. You've set a course in action where you cannot live without him. Don't sabotage yourself. Recognize that you are in a scary and unfamiliar place in your life. That's OK to accept. But, don't reinforce the notion that you are a victim by wondering how you will be able to live alone.

Why? Because you aren't there yet, you aren't alone. This man is still in your life, you aren't divorced and he's out there with your car right now. Work on separating yourself from this person without trying to wrap your mind around life alone.

Your brain is so emotionally high strung that it cannot process what may or may not happen in the future. There are too many "what if's".

What can you do? Focus on what has to happen now. Getting yourself to a safe place (friends, family, hotel) or work on keeping him away from the home. Next, most likely a divorce or at least a separation.

That's it, don't focus on anything else. Why? Because depending on how these next two stages play out, they may dramatically alter any other possible outcome pertaining to your future. Small steps to take care of the obvious (perhaps not so obvious issues to you) will free you up to take care of the next stage and the one after that.

While the prospect of being a single parent can be scary, that does not jeopardize the possibility of being a family. Be open to the chance (a very good one too) that once you are on your own, the ties between you and your children may be that much stronger - as you will be in a better mental place to nurture them, and they will be free from the negative environment to expand their horizons and thus, strengthen the ties between all of you. Understand that this isn't as much an end, as the beginning of a new life for you.

While keeping your eye on a positive future, focus on what need to happen now. Go get 'em!

We're in our 20's and have been married for a couple of years. He's a great guy and all, but not like the one's I read about in my romance novels. Should I move on and find my sould mate, or try to make this work out?


So you are young and are thinking there could be something more to your life than a marriage with this person. Perhaps. But let’s start with a simple question.

Forgetting everything you said – do you want to stay married to this person, or get a divorce? Let’s assume, that your answer is – stay married.

Congratulations. Now let’s have you focus on what you DO have in the marriage. It sounds like he’s a committed husband, hasn’t and most likely will never cheat on you, is a good provider and is loyal, perhaps to a fault. Sounds like a good catch.

What you are missing – passion. OK, that’s actually fairly easy to fix. You are caught up in the swooning infatuation that occurs in those bodice ripping novels. It’s new, raw, youthful and exotic. The broad chest, ripped muscles and flowing hair, in reality might morph into a regular, everyday, average Joe, who might not be quite that adventuresome.

I got news for you – every guy in the world wants to – and it fact CAN be that guy in the novel, and what they may lack in those perfect looks is made up for in OTHER ways. Sometimes they don’t know how to get there.

You are suffering from “Titanic Syndrome”. It’s quite common in the younger years of life, but it hits all age groups. I suffered from a bout of it once, a long time ago.

What’s the “Titanic Syndrome”? It’s based on the two lead characters in the movie “Titanic” – Jack and Rose. He’s a poor starving artist, who falls for the high maintenance Rose, who is to be wed to a rich, but alas, not as free spirited soul, as Jack is. Jack is poetic, spontaneous. But they never really focused on the fact that Jack was “broke”. In movies, it’s always the fun part to play, but never the one to actually “be”.

The two fall into passion (notice I don’t say “love”) Sex in the car, handprint on fogged window, and a proclamation of a love that supersedes the cosmos themselves. He dies, shocking, I know.

I am waiting for “Titanic: The Reality Cut” in which Jack doesn’t die. The two make it to America, and they get to live near the beach. Since they are broke, they are in fact living ON the beach. After about a month of no showers, panhandling for money when Rose fails to get discovered in Hollywood, and Jack doesn’t have any marketable skills – turning down decent construction jobs because he is, after all, an artist. Pissed off and dejected, Rose gets some money wired from the rich guy – you know, Billy Zane, takes a train to New York to see him where they get married. Jack is alone, never married, but opens up an artist colony in Malibu. Today the land alone is valued at $25 Million, to bad he never had that kind of cash back then.

You see, the romance novels you are reading offer a passionate view of love that doesn’t sustain. Six months and that euphoric feeling wears off, but it’s replaced by something that is more sustaining, endurable. That is when the relationship – hopefully – gets deeper.

Right now, you have all the basics, love, trust, respect and compassion. You seem to be missing - passion. But take stock in what you have to rebuild it.

The most important thing is to be able to talk about your lack of a sex life. I agree that it should be a special aspect to your marriage. See a therapist, buy a sex book that shows different positions. Take charge.

That’s right, tell him on a Friday morning, that night when he comes home, he is all yours, no questions asked. What will you do? Whatever you want. Act out a scene from one of your novels. What is it those books that gets your engine purring?

The description of the scent of the main character’s body? Buy some cologne for your hubby.

His outfit? Togas are easy to make. Buy him some work boots and a flannel shirt – you got yourself a fireman, lumberjack, hitchhiker, artist.

Understand what spark is missing in your marriage and find a way to incorporate the book material into your life. It sounds like you have an active imagination. Sex is a very cerebral act. If you leave him, you may find that initial spark that makes your soul sizzle. But in a year, you and your new lover could find yourself in the same position.

You don't wish that person ill - as you say, but you don't want to be their friend either.  My ex wanted to maintain a friendship after the divorce.  I couldn't do that, and it's not right or wrong it’s just how I feel.  It just is. 

I respect that she made a decision - that she has a right to exist on this planet - that she has a right to pursue her own happiness. However, I want no part of her life.  I don't ever want to see her again, and all my mutual friends know not to bring up her name when I am with them.  There's no hate or malice - but live and let live. 

The last words I said to her when I moved out of the house were - Have a nice life.  I meant it then and I do now. The word for that is: apathy.

If you want to remain friends with her, that is your decision.  But the right answer is the one that works for you, despite what anyone else thinks.  Just as I would agree that her wanting to divorce me was the right decision for her.  She was unhappy with me, she made the change that she was convinced would make her happy. 

I wish her the best of luck with that.......as long as she leaves me alone.  Obviously for you, there needs to be a sense of decency for the sake of the children.  However, that doesn’t require you to focus on rebuilding a friendship aspect.  

My mother and friends have been helping me through my divorce, but lately there's not much they can do for me. They've suggested my seeing a therapist, but I'd feel like such a loser.


There is nothing wrong about going to therapy. As far as being a "loser on the couch", what is more important to you - gaining assistance in your healing process, or the image of being a strong person who has everything in control?

The advantage of talking to a trained therapist is three-fold.

First, they are...well, trained to deal with emotional issues. While your friends and family are well meaning, do they have the skills to successfully help you deal with your problem? I'm guessing that as caring as your mother is, she probably isn't a trained mechanic. Do you bring your car to her to get the oil changed? While she may be more than willing to get dirty and crawl under the hood, she may not have the experience required to do a good job. So, leave it to the pros.

Second, therapists do not have a vested interest in your feelings. By that I mean that they want you to get better, but they aren't concerned with telling you what you may not want to hear. There aren't any family politics for them to navigate through. Their job is to guide you through a process, and they can do that because you don't have a long past history with each other. They also have the luxury of not taking sides, and can be brutally honest.

Finally, because they don't know you, they are approaching your situation with a fresh perspective. This allows them to focus all of their tools into dissecting your issues. When I attended therapy with my ex-wife, he saw behaviors between us that we never even considered. Friends and family already have a preconceived notion of how you may react to a comment or piece of advice and that can taint their analysis.

Also, paying for a service often times forces you to pay attention to what is being said. It's like an open bar at a party. Ever notice how many half drank glasses with cigarette butts are strewn about at the end of an evening? When it's free, who cares, you misplace your drink, get another one. Make it a cash bar, and people tend to keep an eye on their drink, even finishing it to the last drop before getting another one.

People have no problems with taking their car to the mechanic on a regular basis or having their carpets steam cleaned like clockwork. So give yourself permission to maintain your sanity with a trip to a therapist. It doesn't mean that you have to visit with them indefinitely. One or two visits may be ample, and if you need to go more frequently than that, it’s a good thing, because you are willing to invest in yourself.

I married a divorced man who has a son, with whom I don’t get along with. I’m afraid if I stay, it’ll kill me; if I leave my husband, I may regret something. What do I do?

His son was there long before you came around. Knowing this, you still got married. There was an issue that made itself known while you dated, yet you both avoided tackling this it; and this is where you are.

The choice you have to make - as you stated - is whether to leave or stay with him.
The only way to make your decision is to fully understand the immovable facts. If you stay, then you need to make things work with his son. This doesn't mean you have to be best pals, but there needs to be civility and mutual respect for each other. Your husband is not going to leave his son to be with you.

So, the decision really has nothing to do with your husband, or his son. It's about you. Can you stay in your current relationship and make things work? Or do you want to get on with your life on your own? As far as leaving him and regret it; you should also ask yourself, what if I stay and I regret it, because you indicate that it may kill you if you stay. ("Kill" used metaphorically, I'm sure).

There is a way to make things work between your husband and you, by building a relationship with his son. This will strengthen the marriage, and nurture you as well. However, if you don't feel that this is at all possible, you need to end this immediately to free yourself, as well as the other two, so everyone may pursue their own happiness.

It's about what you really want, and how much work you are willing to do. But the three of you have to create a plan to make it work. I'm sure everybody involved is aware of the friction, and that nobody is addressing the situation.

I'm not advocating one choice over the other, just clarifying the issue. The choice is yours to make. Good luck.

Sorry for what you are going through. It looks like you've made the decision to go forward with a divorce. This is a very important determination. I've heard too many stories where one or both people go back and forth between working it out, or going their separate ways.

This first step is very important, and you've crossed that boundary. Now, there's the emotional aspect to contend with, which is usually overwhelming. Expect that you won't have all the answers. A lot of my anxiety came from the fact that I couldn't solve everything that I was going through, all at once.

Figure out what you need to accomplish right now. These are just a few examples of issues that you have to address: Separating your personal belongings, figuring out how to create a sense of safety and love for your children, who will live in your current house and who will move? Work on them, find answers, and move on. But take it slow, don't try to handle too much, too soon.

It's easy to see defeat everywhere, but by dividing up your issues into smaller, more manageable ones, you can find a way to resolve them more efficiently.
A guy walks into a pizza place and orders a pizza for himself. The chef asks him if he wants it cut into four slices or eight. The man replies, four, there's no way I could eat eight slices.

Best of luck to you.