Friday, March 24, 2006
We're in our 20's and have been married for a couple of years. He's a great guy and all, but not like the one's I read about in my romance novels. Should I move on and find my sould mate, or try to make this work out?
So you are young and are thinking there could be something more to your life than a marriage with this person. Perhaps. But let’s start with a simple question.
Forgetting everything you said – do you want to stay married to this person, or get a divorce? Let’s assume, that your answer is – stay married.
Congratulations. Now let’s have you focus on what you DO have in the marriage. It sounds like he’s a committed husband, hasn’t and most likely will never cheat on you, is a good provider and is loyal, perhaps to a fault. Sounds like a good catch.
What you are missing – passion. OK, that’s actually fairly easy to fix. You are caught up in the swooning infatuation that occurs in those bodice ripping novels. It’s new, raw, youthful and exotic. The broad chest, ripped muscles and flowing hair, in reality might morph into a regular, everyday, average Joe, who might not be quite that adventuresome.
I got news for you – every guy in the world wants to – and it fact CAN be that guy in the novel, and what they may lack in those perfect looks is made up for in OTHER ways. Sometimes they don’t know how to get there.
You are suffering from “Titanic Syndrome”. It’s quite common in the younger years of life, but it hits all age groups. I suffered from a bout of it once, a long time ago.
What’s the “Titanic Syndrome”? It’s based on the two lead characters in the movie “Titanic” – Jack and Rose. He’s a poor starving artist, who falls for the high maintenance Rose, who is to be wed to a rich, but alas, not as free spirited soul, as Jack is. Jack is poetic, spontaneous. But they never really focused on the fact that Jack was “broke”. In movies, it’s always the fun part to play, but never the one to actually “be”.
The two fall into passion (notice I don’t say “love”) Sex in the car, handprint on fogged window, and a proclamation of a love that supersedes the cosmos themselves. He dies, shocking, I know.
I am waiting for “Titanic: The Reality Cut” in which Jack doesn’t die. The two make it to America, and they get to live near the beach. Since they are broke, they are in fact living ON the beach. After about a month of no showers, panhandling for money when Rose fails to get discovered in Hollywood, and Jack doesn’t have any marketable skills – turning down decent construction jobs because he is, after all, an artist. Pissed off and dejected, Rose gets some money wired from the rich guy – you know, Billy Zane, takes a train to New York to see him where they get married. Jack is alone, never married, but opens up an artist colony in Malibu. Today the land alone is valued at $25 Million, to bad he never had that kind of cash back then.
You see, the romance novels you are reading offer a passionate view of love that doesn’t sustain. Six months and that euphoric feeling wears off, but it’s replaced by something that is more sustaining, endurable. That is when the relationship – hopefully – gets deeper.
Right now, you have all the basics, love, trust, respect and compassion. You seem to be missing - passion. But take stock in what you have to rebuild it.
The most important thing is to be able to talk about your lack of a sex life. I agree that it should be a special aspect to your marriage. See a therapist, buy a sex book that shows different positions. Take charge.
That’s right, tell him on a Friday morning, that night when he comes home, he is all yours, no questions asked. What will you do? Whatever you want. Act out a scene from one of your novels. What is it those books that gets your engine purring?
The description of the scent of the main character’s body? Buy some cologne for your hubby.
His outfit? Togas are easy to make. Buy him some work boots and a flannel shirt – you got yourself a fireman, lumberjack, hitchhiker, artist.
Understand what spark is missing in your marriage and find a way to incorporate the book material into your life. It sounds like you have an active imagination. Sex is a very cerebral act. If you leave him, you may find that initial spark that makes your soul sizzle. But in a year, you and your new lover could find yourself in the same position.
So you are young and are thinking there could be something more to your life than a marriage with this person. Perhaps. But let’s start with a simple question.
Forgetting everything you said – do you want to stay married to this person, or get a divorce? Let’s assume, that your answer is – stay married.
Congratulations. Now let’s have you focus on what you DO have in the marriage. It sounds like he’s a committed husband, hasn’t and most likely will never cheat on you, is a good provider and is loyal, perhaps to a fault. Sounds like a good catch.
What you are missing – passion. OK, that’s actually fairly easy to fix. You are caught up in the swooning infatuation that occurs in those bodice ripping novels. It’s new, raw, youthful and exotic. The broad chest, ripped muscles and flowing hair, in reality might morph into a regular, everyday, average Joe, who might not be quite that adventuresome.
I got news for you – every guy in the world wants to – and it fact CAN be that guy in the novel, and what they may lack in those perfect looks is made up for in OTHER ways. Sometimes they don’t know how to get there.
You are suffering from “Titanic Syndrome”. It’s quite common in the younger years of life, but it hits all age groups. I suffered from a bout of it once, a long time ago.
What’s the “Titanic Syndrome”? It’s based on the two lead characters in the movie “Titanic” – Jack and Rose. He’s a poor starving artist, who falls for the high maintenance Rose, who is to be wed to a rich, but alas, not as free spirited soul, as Jack is. Jack is poetic, spontaneous. But they never really focused on the fact that Jack was “broke”. In movies, it’s always the fun part to play, but never the one to actually “be”.
The two fall into passion (notice I don’t say “love”) Sex in the car, handprint on fogged window, and a proclamation of a love that supersedes the cosmos themselves. He dies, shocking, I know.
I am waiting for “Titanic: The Reality Cut” in which Jack doesn’t die. The two make it to America, and they get to live near the beach. Since they are broke, they are in fact living ON the beach. After about a month of no showers, panhandling for money when Rose fails to get discovered in Hollywood, and Jack doesn’t have any marketable skills – turning down decent construction jobs because he is, after all, an artist. Pissed off and dejected, Rose gets some money wired from the rich guy – you know, Billy Zane, takes a train to New York to see him where they get married. Jack is alone, never married, but opens up an artist colony in Malibu. Today the land alone is valued at $25 Million, to bad he never had that kind of cash back then.
You see, the romance novels you are reading offer a passionate view of love that doesn’t sustain. Six months and that euphoric feeling wears off, but it’s replaced by something that is more sustaining, endurable. That is when the relationship – hopefully – gets deeper.
Right now, you have all the basics, love, trust, respect and compassion. You seem to be missing - passion. But take stock in what you have to rebuild it.
The most important thing is to be able to talk about your lack of a sex life. I agree that it should be a special aspect to your marriage. See a therapist, buy a sex book that shows different positions. Take charge.
That’s right, tell him on a Friday morning, that night when he comes home, he is all yours, no questions asked. What will you do? Whatever you want. Act out a scene from one of your novels. What is it those books that gets your engine purring?
The description of the scent of the main character’s body? Buy some cologne for your hubby.
His outfit? Togas are easy to make. Buy him some work boots and a flannel shirt – you got yourself a fireman, lumberjack, hitchhiker, artist.
Understand what spark is missing in your marriage and find a way to incorporate the book material into your life. It sounds like you have an active imagination. Sex is a very cerebral act. If you leave him, you may find that initial spark that makes your soul sizzle. But in a year, you and your new lover could find yourself in the same position.
