Thursday, February 23, 2006
My marriage is ending, and I'm so upset because I thought we had the perfect relationship, and I don't know where to begin.
Don’t get too caught up in the image that you had the perfect marriage. It’s an illusion – not necessarily a bad one, but an appearance nonetheless. Right now, focus on getting out of your marriage. Any thoughts that you are losing something “perfect” is going to make it that much harder on your situation.
Take stock in the positive aspects of your marriage – do you have wonderful kids, friends, a sense of security. Look to what you do have, and mine those resources.
But, don’t dwell on the feeling that you are losing something that was perfect. That is more of an outward appearance, a label that others may apply to you. It’s part of an image. Shed the labels and channel your energies into you.
What do you want? Envision yourself as a separate entity – as you, not as a husband or a wife. You are the substance, everything else is just an effect.
Wednesday, February 15, 2006
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During a divorce or the termination of a long term relationship, your mind can be flooded with a great deal of emotionally based issues. Without a clear path to navigate, it may seem that there is no end in sight. This manual can give you the tools to help you understand what should take priority in your life, at this very moment.
Email: sean@backpackingthroughdivorce.com for your FREE Workbook.
Friday, February 10, 2006
My wife says she's too tired to have sex, I don't want to cheat on her, but what can I do?
If your wife doesn't want to make love - and I am talking about lovemaking not sex which you can find elsewhere – singles bars, escort services - what is a husband to do? My ex said that when she has to come home and make dinner, that takes her energy away. We always maintained the agreement that one person cooks, the other cleans up. So, I would often times make dinner, and have it ready when she walks through the door. Not a problem, I love to cook. She would draw up a hot bath after dinner, and I'd clean up. I was happy to. We were married and therefore a team; if I had to cook and clean once in a while, fine.
But, it wasn't enough, she still wasn't in the mood for lovemaking. Before therapy, we even tried scheduling it, like a date night. It didn't work. I realized that lovemaking - with me - was last on her list. She would rather watch TV, read or check email then come to bed with me. I would rather let a turkey burn in the oven, in exchange for an afternoon of spontaneous intimacy.
After we signed our divorce papers, I had to stop by the house one last time to drop off some pictures of her and her family that were mixed in with my stuff. I wasn’t spiteful, I didn’t want to throw them away. She told me about a new guy she was dating, and she alluded to them already having sex, so I asked her directly and she told me - yes, they were having sex.
Then it dawned on me, it was never about her being in the mood, or setting time aside for us to be intimate. For the final year and a half of our marriage she simply didn't want intimacy with me. This was absolutely a devastating and crushing blow to me. I get it now, but didn't at the time - it really wasn't personal, she just had changed. She simply didn't want to be with me.
I've since moved on, and I realize two things.
1. Sexual intimacy is important to me - I enjoy the bond that two people share, and keep only between the two of them.
2. If intimacy starts slipping to the point of it being non-existent, then something is wrong in the relationship. Just like a high temperature is a sign that you are sick. Gauging intimacy is a way of examining the quality of the relationship. It's a Relationship Barometer.
Now, I'm not talking about times when both people are incredibly busy, and one or both are too tired for intimacy. But if one person can spend two hours a night on the couch watching TV, and doesn't have the energy for lovemaking, then they've chosen TV over your marital bond. And in that case, the relationship is in jeopardy.
Wednesday, February 08, 2006
I’m close to my in-laws and am afraid that we won’t be keeping in touch because of the divorce. What should I do?
Because you’re going through your divorce right now, any future relationship with your in-laws is out of your control. Don’t concern yourself with this issue. If you want, drop them a short note explaining how you feel about them, despite the situation with your spouse.
Leave it at that – don’t pressure them to respond. Remember, most likely they’ll be emotionally supporting their son/daughter. That doesn’t mean that they don’t miss you. In time – once the divorce is final, you can approach the issue of rekindling your relationships. For now, let it go, and move on with the more important issues surrounding your divorce.
Any attempt to get resolution on this issue will make the situation awkward for your in-laws, and yourself. By understanding and respecting their point of view, you’ll realize when the time is right to connect with them.
Tuesday, February 07, 2006
My mind is spinning in circles, my life seems out of control, what can I do?
It’s time to get out of your negative feedback loop. With everything that’s going on in your life, you’re probably trying to predict the future, based on the past. Stop focusing on anything and everything, instead directing your energy to that which you have control over.
When something as painful and life changing as a divorce is occurring, the focus needs to be completely on the present. Concentrate on getting through the problems that need your utmost attention. Future relationships or emotional feelings for your soon to be ex-spouse, need to be set aside for now.
I address this problem with my free, that’s right free information packet called “The Breakup Manual”. It’s a logical approach to getting your life back on track.
Email me or go to my website to download this resource.
sean@backpackingthroughdivorce.com, put “Breakup Manual” in the subject line.
Please visit my website. www.backpackingthroughdivorce.com
Monday, February 06, 2006
I don't have the means to go to Europe.
Going to Europe to get over my divorce sounds great, but I don’t have that kind of time, nor the money.
You don’t have to go to Europe, that’s what I did because I had an opportunity. However, I do believe that travel is a good idea.
After finishing law school, a friend off mine drove cross country, staying with people he knew, never having to stay in a hotel. Why not use this change in your life to look up somebody you haven’t seen in a while.
I asked several people that I knew who were going through a divorce; is there any place that you’ve wanted to visit, but have been putting off? Make the trip, even if you can only spare a weekend. It doesn’t have to be overseas or even across the country. It could be a couple hours by car.
Use this radical change in your life as a reason to experience something new. Indulge yourself.
Wednesday, February 01, 2006
I'm too busy to get a divorce and my friends have been bothering me about it.
My spouse and I are still on good terms, and we’re both too busy to get a divorce. My friends have been giving me a hard time about not finalizing the divorce, how can I get them off my back?
That’s easy, get a divorce. Really. Your friends are simply looking out for your best interests. Why not end the marriage while things are still good and you two are getting along? What are you waiting for, things to go bad so you two can fight to the bitter end?
I’ve had people tell me that things were going great until they started the divorce proceedings, then their lives got ugly. They were convinced that they shouldn’t have gotten divorced. The proceedings themselves didn’t cause the suffering, it was the fact that the marriage failed which created the pain.
No matter how well two people get along, events may turn for the worse once the finality of the marriage is in sight. I simply don’t accept the argument that people don’t have the time to get divorced. What do you have time for? Work, TV, vacations? Either work on your marriage or work on your divorce, it’s really that black and white.
Can you really get on with your life with your relationship in limbo? It’s great that two people can still be amicable despite the breakup, but the fear that the actual divorce will damage that friendship is nonsense. Both parties are living a fantasy. Friends enough to not get a divorce, but not good enough friends to stay married.
Get the divorce, then worry about the friendship. Most people avoid the finality of dissolving the marriage because it is difficult and painful. If you are currently in a relationship with another person while your marriage legally exists, understand how unfair it is to the other person. You’re still bonded to your spouse legally and emotionally, and with that, all the liability that’s attached. It also gives you an excuse so that you don’t fully have to commit to another person.
After you get the divorce, you will understand how a huge weight has been lifted and will wonder why you didn’t do it sooner. Don’t fault your friends, but examine the flawed logic of trying to have it both ways. If there’s one thing I can promise, this rosy situation will not last forever.
