Friday, February 10, 2006
My wife says she's too tired to have sex, I don't want to cheat on her, but what can I do?
If your wife doesn't want to make love - and I am talking about lovemaking not sex which you can find elsewhere – singles bars, escort services - what is a husband to do? My ex said that when she has to come home and make dinner, that takes her energy away. We always maintained the agreement that one person cooks, the other cleans up. So, I would often times make dinner, and have it ready when she walks through the door. Not a problem, I love to cook. She would draw up a hot bath after dinner, and I'd clean up. I was happy to. We were married and therefore a team; if I had to cook and clean once in a while, fine.
But, it wasn't enough, she still wasn't in the mood for lovemaking. Before therapy, we even tried scheduling it, like a date night. It didn't work. I realized that lovemaking - with me - was last on her list. She would rather watch TV, read or check email then come to bed with me. I would rather let a turkey burn in the oven, in exchange for an afternoon of spontaneous intimacy.
After we signed our divorce papers, I had to stop by the house one last time to drop off some pictures of her and her family that were mixed in with my stuff. I wasn’t spiteful, I didn’t want to throw them away. She told me about a new guy she was dating, and she alluded to them already having sex, so I asked her directly and she told me - yes, they were having sex.
Then it dawned on me, it was never about her being in the mood, or setting time aside for us to be intimate. For the final year and a half of our marriage she simply didn't want intimacy with me. This was absolutely a devastating and crushing blow to me. I get it now, but didn't at the time - it really wasn't personal, she just had changed. She simply didn't want to be with me.
I've since moved on, and I realize two things.
1. Sexual intimacy is important to me - I enjoy the bond that two people share, and keep only between the two of them.
2. If intimacy starts slipping to the point of it being non-existent, then something is wrong in the relationship. Just like a high temperature is a sign that you are sick. Gauging intimacy is a way of examining the quality of the relationship. It's a Relationship Barometer.
Now, I'm not talking about times when both people are incredibly busy, and one or both are too tired for intimacy. But if one person can spend two hours a night on the couch watching TV, and doesn't have the energy for lovemaking, then they've chosen TV over your marital bond. And in that case, the relationship is in jeopardy.
