Wednesday, September 27, 2006
Q. My oldest son just left for college. He hasn’t talked with his father in quite some time. My ex drove down this past weekend, to see him off before he left for school. My son wouldn’t make time for him. Now I’m getting phone messages in which my ex blames me for putting a rift between my son and his father. Everything is my fault, the master plan with back fire, etc.
How do I get past all this negativity, while I’m still trying to deal with my oldest son off at school. Will I ever get past all this drama?
A. First thing to remember is that the oldest son is now an adult, he is free to make up his own mind. His decision to have a relationship with his father is entirely his own.
Take a stand and don't let him push you around. The drama can end, if you don't allow it to continue. Right now, you are most likely going through some emotions since your first child has left the nest, which is fine. Don't let his insecurities ruin your life. Obviously he has no one else to complain to, his current wife probably doesn't want to hear it, and his own son won't return his phone calls. That leaves you in the cross hairs.
I would suggest one of two things (or both). If you do speak to him - to arrange visitation with your other son, make it crystal clear that you will not be subjected to any more abuse on his part. Remind him that your oldest son is an adult and is free to make his own decisions.
Second, simply delete his phone messages. A man with that much rage is most likely to yell the minute your machine begins recording. That's your cue to hit 'delete'. If he truly has anything worthwhile to say, he'll find a way to reach you in a sane and respectful manner. While I understand that you may 'laugh' at his rants, I would also suspect that they would cause you some sadness. Don't let any of that negativity into your life, simply because you don't want it, and you do have to.
The, the process of your grieving can truly begin, and you can find happiness.
How do I get past all this negativity, while I’m still trying to deal with my oldest son off at school. Will I ever get past all this drama?
A. First thing to remember is that the oldest son is now an adult, he is free to make up his own mind. His decision to have a relationship with his father is entirely his own.
Take a stand and don't let him push you around. The drama can end, if you don't allow it to continue. Right now, you are most likely going through some emotions since your first child has left the nest, which is fine. Don't let his insecurities ruin your life. Obviously he has no one else to complain to, his current wife probably doesn't want to hear it, and his own son won't return his phone calls. That leaves you in the cross hairs.
I would suggest one of two things (or both). If you do speak to him - to arrange visitation with your other son, make it crystal clear that you will not be subjected to any more abuse on his part. Remind him that your oldest son is an adult and is free to make his own decisions.
Second, simply delete his phone messages. A man with that much rage is most likely to yell the minute your machine begins recording. That's your cue to hit 'delete'. If he truly has anything worthwhile to say, he'll find a way to reach you in a sane and respectful manner. While I understand that you may 'laugh' at his rants, I would also suspect that they would cause you some sadness. Don't let any of that negativity into your life, simply because you don't want it, and you do have to.
The, the process of your grieving can truly begin, and you can find happiness.
Tuesday, September 26, 2006
Q. I found out in January that my husband of 15 years was cheating on me. I live in Canada and he works in the States three weeks a month. We have three boys, 11, 10 and 6. I basically do everything. Luckily we own our own business and I have been able to stay at home and raise my kids. Anyway he came home and I had been sensing something was up since before Christmas so I asked him and he told me he was in love with another woman.
I told him after much thought that I wanted to try and work it out because of the kids. He said he wanted to as well. Then he went back to where she was and started again. He was calling her on his cell phone. This went on until March, I think. Probably longer but he won't admit that much. I told him that he was going to have to come home to live full time or our relationship won’t work.
He seems like he is being honest but what I want to know is, am I doing the right thing by taking him back? Is there any hope at all to making this thing work out? Has anyone else every taken back their cheating spouse and made it work?
A. It doesn't really matter if taking a cheating person back worked for other people. Even if that number was 100%.
What you need to decide is - do you want to take this person back. Set aside all the events that have happened and forget trying to predict what the future will bring and ask yourself - what do I want?
If you feel what you have is worth fighting for, then go for it. If you feel that he simply isn't worth the effort, then start planning for your divorce and for a future that will benefit yourself and your children.
However, do not fall into the trap of "staying together for the children". I speak from experience, as my parents divorced shortly after I graduated high school. I experienced a great deal of hate and anger that they directed towards each other. It gave me a warped sense of what relationships are supposed to be. Children can sense when something is amiss, so don't think that the two of you can pull off a "normal" relationship. Once they get older, they'll wonder why mommy and daddy don't hold hands in public like their friends' parents.
Either way you decide, you will have to confront your husband with what you feel is going on, and give him an opportunity to come clean with his deceptions. In the end do what is best for you, because what is in your best interest, is in your children’s wellbeing.
I told him after much thought that I wanted to try and work it out because of the kids. He said he wanted to as well. Then he went back to where she was and started again. He was calling her on his cell phone. This went on until March, I think. Probably longer but he won't admit that much. I told him that he was going to have to come home to live full time or our relationship won’t work.
He seems like he is being honest but what I want to know is, am I doing the right thing by taking him back? Is there any hope at all to making this thing work out? Has anyone else every taken back their cheating spouse and made it work?
A. It doesn't really matter if taking a cheating person back worked for other people. Even if that number was 100%.
What you need to decide is - do you want to take this person back. Set aside all the events that have happened and forget trying to predict what the future will bring and ask yourself - what do I want?
If you feel what you have is worth fighting for, then go for it. If you feel that he simply isn't worth the effort, then start planning for your divorce and for a future that will benefit yourself and your children.
However, do not fall into the trap of "staying together for the children". I speak from experience, as my parents divorced shortly after I graduated high school. I experienced a great deal of hate and anger that they directed towards each other. It gave me a warped sense of what relationships are supposed to be. Children can sense when something is amiss, so don't think that the two of you can pull off a "normal" relationship. Once they get older, they'll wonder why mommy and daddy don't hold hands in public like their friends' parents.
Either way you decide, you will have to confront your husband with what you feel is going on, and give him an opportunity to come clean with his deceptions. In the end do what is best for you, because what is in your best interest, is in your children’s wellbeing.
