Friday, March 31, 2006
My husband is a cheating , lying, drug addict and I can't stand him, but how do I live without him? We have been together 15 years with 3 sons. I finally put him out after the last affair. How do I begin to move on without him being around?
I'm sorry for your situation. I'm can only imagine how difficult it is for you - with the children's safety and sanity at stake, it must be overwhelming.
But, let's break down your predicament. You have a husband who commits all three of the cardinal rules of marriage. Things like this don't happen overnight, there must be a rather long history of this happening, perhaps even before you were married. Throughout your life, you've grown used to this treatment - thinking that he will change, outgrow it and that you two will eventually be happy and connected.
This hasn't happened, and now you are faced with the prospect of being alone which scares you.
However, don't create a " damned if you do, damned if you don't " situation. You've set a course in action where you cannot live without him. Don't sabotage yourself. Recognize that you are in a scary and unfamiliar place in your life. That's OK to accept. But, don't reinforce the notion that you are a victim by wondering how you will be able to live alone.
Why? Because you aren't there yet, you aren't alone. This man is still in your life, you aren't divorced and he's out there with your car right now. Work on separating yourself from this person without trying to wrap your mind around life alone.
Your brain is so emotionally high strung that it cannot process what may or may not happen in the future. There are too many "what if's".
What can you do? Focus on what has to happen now. Getting yourself to a safe place (friends, family, hotel) or work on keeping him away from the home. Next, most likely a divorce or at least a separation.
That's it, don't focus on anything else. Why? Because depending on how these next two stages play out, they may dramatically alter any other possible outcome pertaining to your future. Small steps to take care of the obvious (perhaps not so obvious issues to you) will free you up to take care of the next stage and the one after that.
While the prospect of being a single parent can be scary, that does not jeopardize the possibility of being a family. Be open to the chance (a very good one too) that once you are on your own, the ties between you and your children may be that much stronger - as you will be in a better mental place to nurture them, and they will be free from the negative environment to expand their horizons and thus, strengthen the ties between all of you. Understand that this isn't as much an end, as the beginning of a new life for you.
While keeping your eye on a positive future, focus on what need to happen now. Go get 'em!
I'm sorry for your situation. I'm can only imagine how difficult it is for you - with the children's safety and sanity at stake, it must be overwhelming.
But, let's break down your predicament. You have a husband who commits all three of the cardinal rules of marriage. Things like this don't happen overnight, there must be a rather long history of this happening, perhaps even before you were married. Throughout your life, you've grown used to this treatment - thinking that he will change, outgrow it and that you two will eventually be happy and connected.
This hasn't happened, and now you are faced with the prospect of being alone which scares you.
However, don't create a " damned if you do, damned if you don't " situation. You've set a course in action where you cannot live without him. Don't sabotage yourself. Recognize that you are in a scary and unfamiliar place in your life. That's OK to accept. But, don't reinforce the notion that you are a victim by wondering how you will be able to live alone.
Why? Because you aren't there yet, you aren't alone. This man is still in your life, you aren't divorced and he's out there with your car right now. Work on separating yourself from this person without trying to wrap your mind around life alone.
Your brain is so emotionally high strung that it cannot process what may or may not happen in the future. There are too many "what if's".
What can you do? Focus on what has to happen now. Getting yourself to a safe place (friends, family, hotel) or work on keeping him away from the home. Next, most likely a divorce or at least a separation.
That's it, don't focus on anything else. Why? Because depending on how these next two stages play out, they may dramatically alter any other possible outcome pertaining to your future. Small steps to take care of the obvious (perhaps not so obvious issues to you) will free you up to take care of the next stage and the one after that.
While the prospect of being a single parent can be scary, that does not jeopardize the possibility of being a family. Be open to the chance (a very good one too) that once you are on your own, the ties between you and your children may be that much stronger - as you will be in a better mental place to nurture them, and they will be free from the negative environment to expand their horizons and thus, strengthen the ties between all of you. Understand that this isn't as much an end, as the beginning of a new life for you.
While keeping your eye on a positive future, focus on what need to happen now. Go get 'em!
