Friday, April 14, 2006
My wife had an emotional affair with a co-worker 7 years ago, and had another one last year with another person at work. He is 20 years younger than her and she even gave him money on two different occasions. He rebutted her when she declared over a lunch, that she was having strong feelings for him. We barely talk, just argue, but she told me she would do anything to save our marriage. Now I'm wondering if she really meant it. I feel I have to always be on guard for this next "affair", and I don't trust her. Since we are both prominent in the community, I'm afraid of how this may affect us. Any suggestions?
This recent affair isn't her first one. While there isn't any physical activity going on, the emotional distance between you two can be just a damaging. It's easy for her to plead that she is willing to do anything to save the marriage, she has nothing to lose. The decision to move forward together, is up to you. Is she really sincere, do you want to try and work it through? Is she going back to you because the other man doesn't want her?
You have a right to be angry and not trusting of her words. In life, people can say anything they want, but it is the actions that define who we are. Your wife's actions of giving him money is incredibly disrespectful. That's tantamount to taking food off the table and clothes off your back. Even if this was intended to be a loan, nobody has a right to do that with an outside party without discussing it with their partner.
You also need to decide how distant you are from her. After all this time, perhaps you feel that you are ready to live your own life. The matter of your happiness and emotional sanity take priority over any possible scandal that may rock the town.
From what you say, it doesn't seem that she has any respect for you, or resolution to truly make your marriage work. You need to be clear on what it is that you want. If you want to move on and put this person out of your life, then contact a divorce attorney. If you want to make it work, you need to be clear on what it will take on her part and your part. I would suggest that these terms be communicated in a therapy session, and that ongoing therapy be a non-negotiable part of continuing the marriage.
In either case, you shouldn't tolerate any actions that involve your spouse putting a third party before you. Even if there hasn't been physical contact yet, it's just a matter of time before they cross that line. Take a stand.
This recent affair isn't her first one. While there isn't any physical activity going on, the emotional distance between you two can be just a damaging. It's easy for her to plead that she is willing to do anything to save the marriage, she has nothing to lose. The decision to move forward together, is up to you. Is she really sincere, do you want to try and work it through? Is she going back to you because the other man doesn't want her?
You have a right to be angry and not trusting of her words. In life, people can say anything they want, but it is the actions that define who we are. Your wife's actions of giving him money is incredibly disrespectful. That's tantamount to taking food off the table and clothes off your back. Even if this was intended to be a loan, nobody has a right to do that with an outside party without discussing it with their partner.
You also need to decide how distant you are from her. After all this time, perhaps you feel that you are ready to live your own life. The matter of your happiness and emotional sanity take priority over any possible scandal that may rock the town.
From what you say, it doesn't seem that she has any respect for you, or resolution to truly make your marriage work. You need to be clear on what it is that you want. If you want to move on and put this person out of your life, then contact a divorce attorney. If you want to make it work, you need to be clear on what it will take on her part and your part. I would suggest that these terms be communicated in a therapy session, and that ongoing therapy be a non-negotiable part of continuing the marriage.
In either case, you shouldn't tolerate any actions that involve your spouse putting a third party before you. Even if there hasn't been physical contact yet, it's just a matter of time before they cross that line. Take a stand.
