Friday, April 07, 2006
My wife of 14 years has left me, and I don’t know what to do. She’s been having an affair recently with a co-worker. My seven year old son has been left in my care, but things are very difficult right now. We tried couple therapy, to no avail. I’d like to have her back but she doesn’t love me. Does this state of affairs get any better, I’m tired of all the arguments and the fights.
Things may seem hopeless now, but all is not lost.
Here's what you need to do - you've illustrated all the key events that have led to your relationship's demise. Starting right now, you need to let all that go. The tendency is to try and make sense of everything. Don't waste your time.
Why did she cheat, when did everything start to go wrong, will I ever get through this -- all of these questions based on your highly agitated emotional state, don't have answers. At least not answers that will give you any sense of peace.
Move forward - get the divorce process in motion. Figure out who will keep the house, or who will stay - or maybe it'll get sold and the proceeds will be divided. You've tried therapy - it didn't work. She's moved out of the house - now she has a lease, and a legal obligation.
While it is incredibly hard to accept the fact that the marriage is over - that doesn't mean you need to dwell on it. Concentrate and taking back control of your life and direct your energies on creating a stable environment for your son. Don't throw temper tantrums, don't break anything of hers. If necessary, have someone at the house if you two need to meet so that they can soothe any flare ups and be a witness to anything abusive or violent that she may do.
Don't feel that there isn't anything you can do in your life. True, you can't make her love her - nor force her to come back to you. But you can control your own happiness and you have the ability to chart a course that will allow you to end the marriage as amicably as possible. Make a list of everything in your life that you actually control. For example - you can control what you eat, when you sleep, what you watch on TV.
It sounds silly, but take stock in the basics. I made a similar list when my wife wanted a divorce. I listed that I was able to walk wherever I wanted, I earned my own money, I had a decent savings, I still has a sense of adventure. These basic realizations are what empowered me to go on an epic journey across Europe. I discovered strengths inside me that I never imagined I had.
Start small, work on what absolutely needs to happen right now, and work outwards from there. Anything negative or out of your control should be pushed out of your consciousness. There’s plenty to deal with, instead of worrying about what can’t and won’t come about.
Things may seem hopeless now, but all is not lost.
Here's what you need to do - you've illustrated all the key events that have led to your relationship's demise. Starting right now, you need to let all that go. The tendency is to try and make sense of everything. Don't waste your time.
Why did she cheat, when did everything start to go wrong, will I ever get through this -- all of these questions based on your highly agitated emotional state, don't have answers. At least not answers that will give you any sense of peace.
Move forward - get the divorce process in motion. Figure out who will keep the house, or who will stay - or maybe it'll get sold and the proceeds will be divided. You've tried therapy - it didn't work. She's moved out of the house - now she has a lease, and a legal obligation.
While it is incredibly hard to accept the fact that the marriage is over - that doesn't mean you need to dwell on it. Concentrate and taking back control of your life and direct your energies on creating a stable environment for your son. Don't throw temper tantrums, don't break anything of hers. If necessary, have someone at the house if you two need to meet so that they can soothe any flare ups and be a witness to anything abusive or violent that she may do.
Don't feel that there isn't anything you can do in your life. True, you can't make her love her - nor force her to come back to you. But you can control your own happiness and you have the ability to chart a course that will allow you to end the marriage as amicably as possible. Make a list of everything in your life that you actually control. For example - you can control what you eat, when you sleep, what you watch on TV.
It sounds silly, but take stock in the basics. I made a similar list when my wife wanted a divorce. I listed that I was able to walk wherever I wanted, I earned my own money, I had a decent savings, I still has a sense of adventure. These basic realizations are what empowered me to go on an epic journey across Europe. I discovered strengths inside me that I never imagined I had.
Start small, work on what absolutely needs to happen right now, and work outwards from there. Anything negative or out of your control should be pushed out of your consciousness. There’s plenty to deal with, instead of worrying about what can’t and won’t come about.
