Sunday, April 02, 2006
I've been dating a woman for almost a year, who has a 4 year old from a previous marriage. The biological father doesn't know about me, do I have a right to demand that he knows of my existence and relationship with his ex-wife? I don't like having these secrets around.
You have a right to ask for anything you want in life. In this case - you want the biological father to know that you exist. You've been dating for almost a year, so the relationship appears to be moving forward.
You don't have a right to expect anything. If your girlfriend doesn't feel comfortable crossing this bridge, then she doesn't have to.
The questions to you are: How important is that this other man knows about you, what will you do if your girlfriend doesn't comply? If you feel this is so important to you that he absolutely needs to know about you and she doesn't respect your wishes, then that's the end of the relationship. Is there room for flexibility in your wants?
After my divorce, I made a list with three columns. Qualities the next person I dated would absolutely have to have - qualities that didn't matter - qualities that I could be negotiated. We are all free to set the parameters that will make us happy - we just need to be prepared for the consequences. If the qualities we seek are too rigid or numberous, then we may just end up alone.
Ask for whatever you want - just be prepared for the worst case scenario. I'm concerned about the child - is she/he in a situation where they have to lie to their father? It's not right to put children in a situation where they have to keep a secret from mom or dad.
You have a right to ask for anything you want in life. In this case - you want the biological father to know that you exist. You've been dating for almost a year, so the relationship appears to be moving forward.
You don't have a right to expect anything. If your girlfriend doesn't feel comfortable crossing this bridge, then she doesn't have to.
The questions to you are: How important is that this other man knows about you, what will you do if your girlfriend doesn't comply? If you feel this is so important to you that he absolutely needs to know about you and she doesn't respect your wishes, then that's the end of the relationship. Is there room for flexibility in your wants?
After my divorce, I made a list with three columns. Qualities the next person I dated would absolutely have to have - qualities that didn't matter - qualities that I could be negotiated. We are all free to set the parameters that will make us happy - we just need to be prepared for the consequences. If the qualities we seek are too rigid or numberous, then we may just end up alone.
Ask for whatever you want - just be prepared for the worst case scenario. I'm concerned about the child - is she/he in a situation where they have to lie to their father? It's not right to put children in a situation where they have to keep a secret from mom or dad.
