Wednesday, April 12, 2006
My husband had an affair in the past, but we’ve worked past it. Right now, I don’t feel that he is showing me enough love. He’s good at fixing thing around the house, stuff I despise doing, but our sex life isn’t what I’d like it to be. He’s tries to do things to make me happy and put me in the mood, but that doesn’t seem to work, I guess I’m in a rut. What can I do to bring us closer together am I at the end of my marriage? I feel like we’re back at square one.
I don't think there's any excuse for him having sex behind your back. If he feels that your relationship is lacking intimacy or love, then the marriage needs to be dissolved before he goes out with other women.
However, I'm not clear what your definition of love is. I wonder if you know what it could be. Why can't fixing things around the house be an expression of love? Whenever I cooked, or my ex-wife cooked for me, I took that as a loving action. Yes, I had to eat regardless of who made it, but I look at the time spent and the care that was put into it - and I took that as love.
Can't washing clothes, keeping the car full of gas, taking out the garbage also be acts of love? Or is love only bringing home flowers, or surprising the other person with material gifts? He does work around the house, stuff that you "despise doing". Do you honestly think that he loves snaking out a clogged drain, would he prefer that to sitting in the sun, reading a book and sipping a refreshing drink? Just because he's good at it, doesn't mean he enjoys it.
What constitutes a loving act to you? You've brought up intimacy - then dismissed it, and even admit that his other actions around the house don’t cut it either. Obviously, you are still hurt by his cheating (rightfully so) and are unclear what it would take to make you feel close.
Suppose you start over fresh with a new man, what is it that this new person could do for you that would make you feel loved? Please, don't begin by saying candle light dinners, romantic walks at night, or cuddling on the couch while watching a movie. These are things that could be done RIGHT NOW with your current husband. If you think that's what love is, then you are confused with the giddy fascination with NEW love - the infatuation that sweeps over us when we first meet the "right person". It's a childish fantasy to confuse this love with the enduring one that marriages require to thrive.
You need to define what a sustainable love is for you - one that will nourish both of you. You ask where your current situation leaves you, and are concerned that you ended up "back at square one”. That's not entirely correct, back where you started would mean those days of courting, the heart palpitations at the mention of his name, the lump in your throat when you talk to him on the phone as you wonder if he likes you as much as you like him. No, what you define as a "beginning" means that you are at the starting point where all your troubles began. If we all could go back to where we began, how easy it would be, for we'd be getting a second chance at our marriages.
Are you at the end? That's not the question to ask. Do I want to BE at the end? Ahh, that's the tough one, that's the choice you need to make. It's a very simple question, yet the probably the hardest one for anyone to answer - unfortunately, nobody on this planet has the solution. That's one you need to make on your own.
I don't think there's any excuse for him having sex behind your back. If he feels that your relationship is lacking intimacy or love, then the marriage needs to be dissolved before he goes out with other women.
However, I'm not clear what your definition of love is. I wonder if you know what it could be. Why can't fixing things around the house be an expression of love? Whenever I cooked, or my ex-wife cooked for me, I took that as a loving action. Yes, I had to eat regardless of who made it, but I look at the time spent and the care that was put into it - and I took that as love.
Can't washing clothes, keeping the car full of gas, taking out the garbage also be acts of love? Or is love only bringing home flowers, or surprising the other person with material gifts? He does work around the house, stuff that you "despise doing". Do you honestly think that he loves snaking out a clogged drain, would he prefer that to sitting in the sun, reading a book and sipping a refreshing drink? Just because he's good at it, doesn't mean he enjoys it.
What constitutes a loving act to you? You've brought up intimacy - then dismissed it, and even admit that his other actions around the house don’t cut it either. Obviously, you are still hurt by his cheating (rightfully so) and are unclear what it would take to make you feel close.
Suppose you start over fresh with a new man, what is it that this new person could do for you that would make you feel loved? Please, don't begin by saying candle light dinners, romantic walks at night, or cuddling on the couch while watching a movie. These are things that could be done RIGHT NOW with your current husband. If you think that's what love is, then you are confused with the giddy fascination with NEW love - the infatuation that sweeps over us when we first meet the "right person". It's a childish fantasy to confuse this love with the enduring one that marriages require to thrive.
You need to define what a sustainable love is for you - one that will nourish both of you. You ask where your current situation leaves you, and are concerned that you ended up "back at square one”. That's not entirely correct, back where you started would mean those days of courting, the heart palpitations at the mention of his name, the lump in your throat when you talk to him on the phone as you wonder if he likes you as much as you like him. No, what you define as a "beginning" means that you are at the starting point where all your troubles began. If we all could go back to where we began, how easy it would be, for we'd be getting a second chance at our marriages.
Are you at the end? That's not the question to ask. Do I want to BE at the end? Ahh, that's the tough one, that's the choice you need to make. It's a very simple question, yet the probably the hardest one for anyone to answer - unfortunately, nobody on this planet has the solution. That's one you need to make on your own.
