Tuesday, April 04, 2006
My husband is in the service overseas, and I am at home with our 3-year old child. He's been on internet websites, talking and exchanging photos with other women. I feel I should leave him, I don't know if he's addicted and has a problem, but I don't want to stress him out while he's over there. How many chances should I give him, what should I do?
While your situation may seem without a solution, one is there if you are able to step back and look rationally at the situation.
He is spending time on the internet talking with other women. That is not only a waste of his time, but a waste of yours. The paysites are wasting money that could go towards something more beneficial. That $20 a month ($240 a year) could go into a savings account, and may come in handy down the road.
If he's overseas, that you obviously aren't seeing each other every day. When he is not performing at his job, he should be spending time connecting with you. Write emails - keep an online blog of what he is going through - take photos and put together a scrap book to share with you, and your child when they get older.
Instead of sending emails and exchanging photos with some stranger (or worse, someone he knows) he needs to utilize his time communicating with you.
Second, any emails or photos with sexual undertones is out of bounds. There is no "it's just a game - or - I'm just playing" excuse. He is acting in a manner which is disrespectful to you and the marriage bond. If he feels that his life is incomplete without these internet partners, then he needs to ask you for a divorce so that both you and he can get on with your lives.
Whether or not his actions will stop is completely immaterial. What he is doing right now, is unacceptable, and you don't have to put up with it. Don't worry about what he'll do tomorrow, if he's not doing right by you, today.
Third, under no circumstances should you try to figure out if he's addicted, lonely or horny - unless he meets these two conditions.
1. He agrees to stop doing it, immediately.
2. He agrees to seek some type of therapy to work through this problem.
If he doesn't agree to it - then don't waste your time trying to understand the "how" and "why" of his actions. Understanding will not help you get through it at this time. Instead, you need to focus your energies on getting a divorce, and creating a safe home for you and your child.
While you may feel that any action you take will stress him out - make it clear that you are willing to support him and love him, but you are unable to do that when he would rather take HIS affections elsewhere. It's takes two people to make a connection.
Finally, stop giving him chances, and give yourself a chance to feel at peace in your marriage - and if that doesn't work - allow yourself to create a peaceful life on your own.
While your situation may seem without a solution, one is there if you are able to step back and look rationally at the situation.
He is spending time on the internet talking with other women. That is not only a waste of his time, but a waste of yours. The paysites are wasting money that could go towards something more beneficial. That $20 a month ($240 a year) could go into a savings account, and may come in handy down the road.
If he's overseas, that you obviously aren't seeing each other every day. When he is not performing at his job, he should be spending time connecting with you. Write emails - keep an online blog of what he is going through - take photos and put together a scrap book to share with you, and your child when they get older.
Instead of sending emails and exchanging photos with some stranger (or worse, someone he knows) he needs to utilize his time communicating with you.
Second, any emails or photos with sexual undertones is out of bounds. There is no "it's just a game - or - I'm just playing" excuse. He is acting in a manner which is disrespectful to you and the marriage bond. If he feels that his life is incomplete without these internet partners, then he needs to ask you for a divorce so that both you and he can get on with your lives.
Whether or not his actions will stop is completely immaterial. What he is doing right now, is unacceptable, and you don't have to put up with it. Don't worry about what he'll do tomorrow, if he's not doing right by you, today.
Third, under no circumstances should you try to figure out if he's addicted, lonely or horny - unless he meets these two conditions.
1. He agrees to stop doing it, immediately.
2. He agrees to seek some type of therapy to work through this problem.
If he doesn't agree to it - then don't waste your time trying to understand the "how" and "why" of his actions. Understanding will not help you get through it at this time. Instead, you need to focus your energies on getting a divorce, and creating a safe home for you and your child.
While you may feel that any action you take will stress him out - make it clear that you are willing to support him and love him, but you are unable to do that when he would rather take HIS affections elsewhere. It's takes two people to make a connection.
Finally, stop giving him chances, and give yourself a chance to feel at peace in your marriage - and if that doesn't work - allow yourself to create a peaceful life on your own.
