Wednesday, September 27, 2006
Q. My oldest son just left for college. He hasn’t talked with his father in quite some time. My ex drove down this past weekend, to see him off before he left for school. My son wouldn’t make time for him. Now I’m getting phone messages in which my ex blames me for putting a rift between my son and his father. Everything is my fault, the master plan with back fire, etc.
How do I get past all this negativity, while I’m still trying to deal with my oldest son off at school. Will I ever get past all this drama?
A. First thing to remember is that the oldest son is now an adult, he is free to make up his own mind. His decision to have a relationship with his father is entirely his own.
Take a stand and don't let him push you around. The drama can end, if you don't allow it to continue. Right now, you are most likely going through some emotions since your first child has left the nest, which is fine. Don't let his insecurities ruin your life. Obviously he has no one else to complain to, his current wife probably doesn't want to hear it, and his own son won't return his phone calls. That leaves you in the cross hairs.
I would suggest one of two things (or both). If you do speak to him - to arrange visitation with your other son, make it crystal clear that you will not be subjected to any more abuse on his part. Remind him that your oldest son is an adult and is free to make his own decisions.
Second, simply delete his phone messages. A man with that much rage is most likely to yell the minute your machine begins recording. That's your cue to hit 'delete'. If he truly has anything worthwhile to say, he'll find a way to reach you in a sane and respectful manner. While I understand that you may 'laugh' at his rants, I would also suspect that they would cause you some sadness. Don't let any of that negativity into your life, simply because you don't want it, and you do have to.
The, the process of your grieving can truly begin, and you can find happiness.
How do I get past all this negativity, while I’m still trying to deal with my oldest son off at school. Will I ever get past all this drama?
A. First thing to remember is that the oldest son is now an adult, he is free to make up his own mind. His decision to have a relationship with his father is entirely his own.
Take a stand and don't let him push you around. The drama can end, if you don't allow it to continue. Right now, you are most likely going through some emotions since your first child has left the nest, which is fine. Don't let his insecurities ruin your life. Obviously he has no one else to complain to, his current wife probably doesn't want to hear it, and his own son won't return his phone calls. That leaves you in the cross hairs.
I would suggest one of two things (or both). If you do speak to him - to arrange visitation with your other son, make it crystal clear that you will not be subjected to any more abuse on his part. Remind him that your oldest son is an adult and is free to make his own decisions.
Second, simply delete his phone messages. A man with that much rage is most likely to yell the minute your machine begins recording. That's your cue to hit 'delete'. If he truly has anything worthwhile to say, he'll find a way to reach you in a sane and respectful manner. While I understand that you may 'laugh' at his rants, I would also suspect that they would cause you some sadness. Don't let any of that negativity into your life, simply because you don't want it, and you do have to.
The, the process of your grieving can truly begin, and you can find happiness.
Tuesday, September 26, 2006
Q. I found out in January that my husband of 15 years was cheating on me. I live in Canada and he works in the States three weeks a month. We have three boys, 11, 10 and 6. I basically do everything. Luckily we own our own business and I have been able to stay at home and raise my kids. Anyway he came home and I had been sensing something was up since before Christmas so I asked him and he told me he was in love with another woman.
I told him after much thought that I wanted to try and work it out because of the kids. He said he wanted to as well. Then he went back to where she was and started again. He was calling her on his cell phone. This went on until March, I think. Probably longer but he won't admit that much. I told him that he was going to have to come home to live full time or our relationship won’t work.
He seems like he is being honest but what I want to know is, am I doing the right thing by taking him back? Is there any hope at all to making this thing work out? Has anyone else every taken back their cheating spouse and made it work?
A. It doesn't really matter if taking a cheating person back worked for other people. Even if that number was 100%.
What you need to decide is - do you want to take this person back. Set aside all the events that have happened and forget trying to predict what the future will bring and ask yourself - what do I want?
If you feel what you have is worth fighting for, then go for it. If you feel that he simply isn't worth the effort, then start planning for your divorce and for a future that will benefit yourself and your children.
However, do not fall into the trap of "staying together for the children". I speak from experience, as my parents divorced shortly after I graduated high school. I experienced a great deal of hate and anger that they directed towards each other. It gave me a warped sense of what relationships are supposed to be. Children can sense when something is amiss, so don't think that the two of you can pull off a "normal" relationship. Once they get older, they'll wonder why mommy and daddy don't hold hands in public like their friends' parents.
Either way you decide, you will have to confront your husband with what you feel is going on, and give him an opportunity to come clean with his deceptions. In the end do what is best for you, because what is in your best interest, is in your children’s wellbeing.
I told him after much thought that I wanted to try and work it out because of the kids. He said he wanted to as well. Then he went back to where she was and started again. He was calling her on his cell phone. This went on until March, I think. Probably longer but he won't admit that much. I told him that he was going to have to come home to live full time or our relationship won’t work.
He seems like he is being honest but what I want to know is, am I doing the right thing by taking him back? Is there any hope at all to making this thing work out? Has anyone else every taken back their cheating spouse and made it work?
A. It doesn't really matter if taking a cheating person back worked for other people. Even if that number was 100%.
What you need to decide is - do you want to take this person back. Set aside all the events that have happened and forget trying to predict what the future will bring and ask yourself - what do I want?
If you feel what you have is worth fighting for, then go for it. If you feel that he simply isn't worth the effort, then start planning for your divorce and for a future that will benefit yourself and your children.
However, do not fall into the trap of "staying together for the children". I speak from experience, as my parents divorced shortly after I graduated high school. I experienced a great deal of hate and anger that they directed towards each other. It gave me a warped sense of what relationships are supposed to be. Children can sense when something is amiss, so don't think that the two of you can pull off a "normal" relationship. Once they get older, they'll wonder why mommy and daddy don't hold hands in public like their friends' parents.
Either way you decide, you will have to confront your husband with what you feel is going on, and give him an opportunity to come clean with his deceptions. In the end do what is best for you, because what is in your best interest, is in your children’s wellbeing.
Wednesday, April 19, 2006
My ex and I have been dividing up our personal belongings in preparation for our divorce. The photos have been very difficult for me. I'm hoping that she will look at them some day and realize what a great thing we had for our 13 year marriage. Any suggestions on how to get through this photo process with minimal pain?
Whoa there! Put those pictures down, immediately. That's radioactive material. I was in EXACTLY the same spot you were when going through my divorce - only we were married for just under six years. I had a hard enough time going through books and CDs, but the photos put me over the edge. Put them away, and deal with them down the road. It was about a year before I could look at photos of us without going through a meltdown.
If she wants to have the pictures divided up so badly before you part ways, then let her do it. Rehashing all the happy memories that you once had, will only lead to some serious gloom. Yes, you're going to miss the vacations, the random memories that those snapshots will rekindle. Yes, you will feel incomplete, if you haven't moved out of the house yet (or if she's the one moving) then your divorce is very fresh. Don't make it harder on yourself.
When I moved out of the house, I spent a few hours each day packing up my belongings. I could only do that in small doses. Not the photos, though. You're going through some tough times right now, the emotional rollercoaster with no end in sight. Don't make matters worse by reliving the past - not at this time, but maybe down the road.
My ex still has our wedding album, obviously I'm not interested in the pictures of us, but of me with other people at the wedding. We talked about dividing them up at a later date. It's been over three years, and all the great pictures and memories are still in my head. I don't care if I ever see that album again, and I recently discarded the wedding video tape I found in an old box. I didn't have to think twice about it.
Whoa there! Put those pictures down, immediately. That's radioactive material. I was in EXACTLY the same spot you were when going through my divorce - only we were married for just under six years. I had a hard enough time going through books and CDs, but the photos put me over the edge. Put them away, and deal with them down the road. It was about a year before I could look at photos of us without going through a meltdown.
If she wants to have the pictures divided up so badly before you part ways, then let her do it. Rehashing all the happy memories that you once had, will only lead to some serious gloom. Yes, you're going to miss the vacations, the random memories that those snapshots will rekindle. Yes, you will feel incomplete, if you haven't moved out of the house yet (or if she's the one moving) then your divorce is very fresh. Don't make it harder on yourself.
When I moved out of the house, I spent a few hours each day packing up my belongings. I could only do that in small doses. Not the photos, though. You're going through some tough times right now, the emotional rollercoaster with no end in sight. Don't make matters worse by reliving the past - not at this time, but maybe down the road.
My ex still has our wedding album, obviously I'm not interested in the pictures of us, but of me with other people at the wedding. We talked about dividing them up at a later date. It's been over three years, and all the great pictures and memories are still in my head. I don't care if I ever see that album again, and I recently discarded the wedding video tape I found in an old box. I didn't have to think twice about it.
Friday, April 14, 2006
My wife had an emotional affair with a co-worker 7 years ago, and had another one last year with another person at work. He is 20 years younger than her and she even gave him money on two different occasions. He rebutted her when she declared over a lunch, that she was having strong feelings for him. We barely talk, just argue, but she told me she would do anything to save our marriage. Now I'm wondering if she really meant it. I feel I have to always be on guard for this next "affair", and I don't trust her. Since we are both prominent in the community, I'm afraid of how this may affect us. Any suggestions?
This recent affair isn't her first one. While there isn't any physical activity going on, the emotional distance between you two can be just a damaging. It's easy for her to plead that she is willing to do anything to save the marriage, she has nothing to lose. The decision to move forward together, is up to you. Is she really sincere, do you want to try and work it through? Is she going back to you because the other man doesn't want her?
You have a right to be angry and not trusting of her words. In life, people can say anything they want, but it is the actions that define who we are. Your wife's actions of giving him money is incredibly disrespectful. That's tantamount to taking food off the table and clothes off your back. Even if this was intended to be a loan, nobody has a right to do that with an outside party without discussing it with their partner.
You also need to decide how distant you are from her. After all this time, perhaps you feel that you are ready to live your own life. The matter of your happiness and emotional sanity take priority over any possible scandal that may rock the town.
From what you say, it doesn't seem that she has any respect for you, or resolution to truly make your marriage work. You need to be clear on what it is that you want. If you want to move on and put this person out of your life, then contact a divorce attorney. If you want to make it work, you need to be clear on what it will take on her part and your part. I would suggest that these terms be communicated in a therapy session, and that ongoing therapy be a non-negotiable part of continuing the marriage.
In either case, you shouldn't tolerate any actions that involve your spouse putting a third party before you. Even if there hasn't been physical contact yet, it's just a matter of time before they cross that line. Take a stand.
This recent affair isn't her first one. While there isn't any physical activity going on, the emotional distance between you two can be just a damaging. It's easy for her to plead that she is willing to do anything to save the marriage, she has nothing to lose. The decision to move forward together, is up to you. Is she really sincere, do you want to try and work it through? Is she going back to you because the other man doesn't want her?
You have a right to be angry and not trusting of her words. In life, people can say anything they want, but it is the actions that define who we are. Your wife's actions of giving him money is incredibly disrespectful. That's tantamount to taking food off the table and clothes off your back. Even if this was intended to be a loan, nobody has a right to do that with an outside party without discussing it with their partner.
You also need to decide how distant you are from her. After all this time, perhaps you feel that you are ready to live your own life. The matter of your happiness and emotional sanity take priority over any possible scandal that may rock the town.
From what you say, it doesn't seem that she has any respect for you, or resolution to truly make your marriage work. You need to be clear on what it is that you want. If you want to move on and put this person out of your life, then contact a divorce attorney. If you want to make it work, you need to be clear on what it will take on her part and your part. I would suggest that these terms be communicated in a therapy session, and that ongoing therapy be a non-negotiable part of continuing the marriage.
In either case, you shouldn't tolerate any actions that involve your spouse putting a third party before you. Even if there hasn't been physical contact yet, it's just a matter of time before they cross that line. Take a stand.
Thursday, April 13, 2006
My husband has recently gotten out of therapy – during that time we were supposed to get a divorce. I know that I wasn’t the best wife, he let me know that on many occasions. Now that he’s out, he says he’s fully recovered and wants to work on our marriage – even though we’ve been in separate bedrooms for over a year. While he was away, I had a relationship with another man. I think we should stay together because of our two kids, but I can’t get this other man out of my mind, even though we broke off our relationship months ago. What should I do?
You two need to get a divorce and get away from each other as quickly as possible. You had a problem with his substance abuse, and he had undetermined problems with you. While he was in recovery, you had sex with another man. Now, you are trying to reconcile with your husband, but you are thinking about this other man.
So, leave your husband, get a divorce, and be with this other man - or be on your own. You say that you were supposed to get a divorce - well do it. But do not use the excuse of staying together for the sake of the children. You haven’t been living as a married couple for over a year, and your actions aren't bringing you closer together, but are widening the divide.
If your husband is on the road to recovery, then let him heal and get on with his life. It's not fair for him to have a wife who isn't there for his needs, but only to create the facade of a happy home. If you think your children will play along, and be blissfully unaware of your problematic marriage, you are mistaken. They will quickly realize that although both parents share the same roof, all is not well.
If you are truly committed to making the marriage work - and by that I mean a loving and supportive one that nurtures the relationship between you two - then you need to emotionally break yourself off from this other man. There needs to be completely honest communication between the two of you, and you both need therapy. Anything short of that will only create despair between all the parties involved.
You two need to get a divorce and get away from each other as quickly as possible. You had a problem with his substance abuse, and he had undetermined problems with you. While he was in recovery, you had sex with another man. Now, you are trying to reconcile with your husband, but you are thinking about this other man.
So, leave your husband, get a divorce, and be with this other man - or be on your own. You say that you were supposed to get a divorce - well do it. But do not use the excuse of staying together for the sake of the children. You haven’t been living as a married couple for over a year, and your actions aren't bringing you closer together, but are widening the divide.
If your husband is on the road to recovery, then let him heal and get on with his life. It's not fair for him to have a wife who isn't there for his needs, but only to create the facade of a happy home. If you think your children will play along, and be blissfully unaware of your problematic marriage, you are mistaken. They will quickly realize that although both parents share the same roof, all is not well.
If you are truly committed to making the marriage work - and by that I mean a loving and supportive one that nurtures the relationship between you two - then you need to emotionally break yourself off from this other man. There needs to be completely honest communication between the two of you, and you both need therapy. Anything short of that will only create despair between all the parties involved.
Wednesday, April 12, 2006
My husband had an affair in the past, but we’ve worked past it. Right now, I don’t feel that he is showing me enough love. He’s good at fixing thing around the house, stuff I despise doing, but our sex life isn’t what I’d like it to be. He’s tries to do things to make me happy and put me in the mood, but that doesn’t seem to work, I guess I’m in a rut. What can I do to bring us closer together am I at the end of my marriage? I feel like we’re back at square one.
I don't think there's any excuse for him having sex behind your back. If he feels that your relationship is lacking intimacy or love, then the marriage needs to be dissolved before he goes out with other women.
However, I'm not clear what your definition of love is. I wonder if you know what it could be. Why can't fixing things around the house be an expression of love? Whenever I cooked, or my ex-wife cooked for me, I took that as a loving action. Yes, I had to eat regardless of who made it, but I look at the time spent and the care that was put into it - and I took that as love.
Can't washing clothes, keeping the car full of gas, taking out the garbage also be acts of love? Or is love only bringing home flowers, or surprising the other person with material gifts? He does work around the house, stuff that you "despise doing". Do you honestly think that he loves snaking out a clogged drain, would he prefer that to sitting in the sun, reading a book and sipping a refreshing drink? Just because he's good at it, doesn't mean he enjoys it.
What constitutes a loving act to you? You've brought up intimacy - then dismissed it, and even admit that his other actions around the house don’t cut it either. Obviously, you are still hurt by his cheating (rightfully so) and are unclear what it would take to make you feel close.
Suppose you start over fresh with a new man, what is it that this new person could do for you that would make you feel loved? Please, don't begin by saying candle light dinners, romantic walks at night, or cuddling on the couch while watching a movie. These are things that could be done RIGHT NOW with your current husband. If you think that's what love is, then you are confused with the giddy fascination with NEW love - the infatuation that sweeps over us when we first meet the "right person". It's a childish fantasy to confuse this love with the enduring one that marriages require to thrive.
You need to define what a sustainable love is for you - one that will nourish both of you. You ask where your current situation leaves you, and are concerned that you ended up "back at square one”. That's not entirely correct, back where you started would mean those days of courting, the heart palpitations at the mention of his name, the lump in your throat when you talk to him on the phone as you wonder if he likes you as much as you like him. No, what you define as a "beginning" means that you are at the starting point where all your troubles began. If we all could go back to where we began, how easy it would be, for we'd be getting a second chance at our marriages.
Are you at the end? That's not the question to ask. Do I want to BE at the end? Ahh, that's the tough one, that's the choice you need to make. It's a very simple question, yet the probably the hardest one for anyone to answer - unfortunately, nobody on this planet has the solution. That's one you need to make on your own.
I don't think there's any excuse for him having sex behind your back. If he feels that your relationship is lacking intimacy or love, then the marriage needs to be dissolved before he goes out with other women.
However, I'm not clear what your definition of love is. I wonder if you know what it could be. Why can't fixing things around the house be an expression of love? Whenever I cooked, or my ex-wife cooked for me, I took that as a loving action. Yes, I had to eat regardless of who made it, but I look at the time spent and the care that was put into it - and I took that as love.
Can't washing clothes, keeping the car full of gas, taking out the garbage also be acts of love? Or is love only bringing home flowers, or surprising the other person with material gifts? He does work around the house, stuff that you "despise doing". Do you honestly think that he loves snaking out a clogged drain, would he prefer that to sitting in the sun, reading a book and sipping a refreshing drink? Just because he's good at it, doesn't mean he enjoys it.
What constitutes a loving act to you? You've brought up intimacy - then dismissed it, and even admit that his other actions around the house don’t cut it either. Obviously, you are still hurt by his cheating (rightfully so) and are unclear what it would take to make you feel close.
Suppose you start over fresh with a new man, what is it that this new person could do for you that would make you feel loved? Please, don't begin by saying candle light dinners, romantic walks at night, or cuddling on the couch while watching a movie. These are things that could be done RIGHT NOW with your current husband. If you think that's what love is, then you are confused with the giddy fascination with NEW love - the infatuation that sweeps over us when we first meet the "right person". It's a childish fantasy to confuse this love with the enduring one that marriages require to thrive.
You need to define what a sustainable love is for you - one that will nourish both of you. You ask where your current situation leaves you, and are concerned that you ended up "back at square one”. That's not entirely correct, back where you started would mean those days of courting, the heart palpitations at the mention of his name, the lump in your throat when you talk to him on the phone as you wonder if he likes you as much as you like him. No, what you define as a "beginning" means that you are at the starting point where all your troubles began. If we all could go back to where we began, how easy it would be, for we'd be getting a second chance at our marriages.
Are you at the end? That's not the question to ask. Do I want to BE at the end? Ahh, that's the tough one, that's the choice you need to make. It's a very simple question, yet the probably the hardest one for anyone to answer - unfortunately, nobody on this planet has the solution. That's one you need to make on your own.
Tuesday, April 11, 2006
My husband has been spending his lunches with another woman. I don’t suspect him of cheating, but I feel uncomfortable with him talking with her so much. So, I met with her, and she said she has enough going on in her life with an ex-husband and two sons – she doesn’t want to cause any trouble for anyone else. We talked about meeting again, which I’d like to do, just so I can keep and eye on her. What do you think?
You've talked to this woman and she is now aware that you are not comfortable with her and your husband hanging out or talking. She even admits that she has enough drama in her life.
You shouldn't meet with her again for two reasons.
First, it's not OK, for your husband to meet with her, but now you feel that you two can be "friends". Why is that? Sounds like a power play - you get to tell him what he can and can't do. This sends a very confusing message to your husband. He can't talk to her, but you can meet for coffee.
What exactly do you intend to talk about? If the conversation steers for one, single sentence about your family - then your rationale goes out the window - after all he can't share personal things with her, but you can dish all you want. If you're not going to open up to her and talk about all the things that "friends" talk about, then why bother, being "friends" with her? Tylenol, please!
Now, the above assumes that you have honorable reasons for wanting to meet with her again. However, you indicated that you want to keep and eye on her, which brings us to the second reason you need to stay away.
It begins with "D" and rhymes with "Rama"
This other woman has enough of it in her life. All of us who have gone through a divorce have had more drama than "Gone with the Wind" and "General Hospital", on our best days. Why do you want to introduce more drama into your own life, and that of your family?
I fail to see any positive aspects that can come out of you two meeting again. You've made your point to her, and from what you said, she understands and respects your position. Don’t go looking to make her life any more difficult because she really didn't do anything wrong, and it'll simply back fire on you. Let it go, and focus the energies that you would by cultivating this "friendship", on your own marriage.
You've talked to this woman and she is now aware that you are not comfortable with her and your husband hanging out or talking. She even admits that she has enough drama in her life.
You shouldn't meet with her again for two reasons.
First, it's not OK, for your husband to meet with her, but now you feel that you two can be "friends". Why is that? Sounds like a power play - you get to tell him what he can and can't do. This sends a very confusing message to your husband. He can't talk to her, but you can meet for coffee.
What exactly do you intend to talk about? If the conversation steers for one, single sentence about your family - then your rationale goes out the window - after all he can't share personal things with her, but you can dish all you want. If you're not going to open up to her and talk about all the things that "friends" talk about, then why bother, being "friends" with her? Tylenol, please!
Now, the above assumes that you have honorable reasons for wanting to meet with her again. However, you indicated that you want to keep and eye on her, which brings us to the second reason you need to stay away.
It begins with "D" and rhymes with "Rama"
This other woman has enough of it in her life. All of us who have gone through a divorce have had more drama than "Gone with the Wind" and "General Hospital", on our best days. Why do you want to introduce more drama into your own life, and that of your family?
I fail to see any positive aspects that can come out of you two meeting again. You've made your point to her, and from what you said, she understands and respects your position. Don’t go looking to make her life any more difficult because she really didn't do anything wrong, and it'll simply back fire on you. Let it go, and focus the energies that you would by cultivating this "friendship", on your own marriage.
