Backpacking Through Divorce

Q. My oldest son just left for college. He hasn’t talked with his father in quite some time. My ex drove down this past weekend, to see him off before he left for school. My son wouldn’t make time for him. Now I’m getting phone messages in which my ex blames me for putting a rift between my son and his father. Everything is my fault, the master plan with back fire, etc.

How do I get past all this negativity, while I’m still trying to deal with my oldest son off at school. Will I ever get past all this drama?


A. First thing to remember is that the oldest son is now an adult, he is free to make up his own mind. His decision to have a relationship with his father is entirely his own.

Take a stand and don't let him push you around. The drama can end, if you don't allow it to continue. Right now, you are most likely going through some emotions since your first child has left the nest, which is fine. Don't let his insecurities ruin your life. Obviously he has no one else to complain to, his current wife probably doesn't want to hear it, and his own son won't return his phone calls. That leaves you in the cross hairs.

I would suggest one of two things (or both). If you do speak to him - to arrange visitation with your other son, make it crystal clear that you will not be subjected to any more abuse on his part. Remind him that your oldest son is an adult and is free to make his own decisions.

Second, simply delete his phone messages. A man with that much rage is most likely to yell the minute your machine begins recording. That's your cue to hit 'delete'. If he truly has anything worthwhile to say, he'll find a way to reach you in a sane and respectful manner. While I understand that you may 'laugh' at his rants, I would also suspect that they would cause you some sadness. Don't let any of that negativity into your life, simply because you don't want it, and you do have to.

The, the process of your grieving can truly begin, and you can find happiness.